What does a mayor do?

If your city, like mine, is hosting municipal elections this week, you might be paying absolutely no attention. Or, you might be picking names based on the number of yard signs you’ve seen with a particular candidate’s name on them. After all,

What does a mayor do, anyway? and What happens in a city council meeting?

I searched the Internet on your behalf, dear readers, plumbing the depths to find the nefarious secrets of municipal government. Here are some of the best results:

Local Government Humor: A City Council Member Supports Local Economic Development

How to pronounce “mayor” in English

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You’re welcome. Have a good lunch break. Don’t ask YouTube about mayors. And go vote.

Things I like: shameless plugs

I have tremendously talented friends. We’re talking fire-breathing, elephant-herding, shattering glass buildings in a single B talents, here. (Also, they are firmly in support of snark. And no one told me to write this post–I’m too snarky for that. So, you should read about them on your lunch break.)

1. Fire-breathing Bees?

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 11.21.34 AMWho they are: The Brothers Vilgalys

First of all, they play Ultimate, which adds instant cool points. Second of all, they’re good at it, which prevents them from losing instant cool points. Third of all, and most importantly, they craft and sell distinctive, Baltic-style spirits right in Durham, NC, including a flaming hot coffee liquor called Jabberwock. Love for Lewis Carroll! Fourth of all, they decorate with bees. Bees?

What you can do:

2. Elephant-herding, Lion-taming Meese!

iusb_760x100.16251907_j1p8Who she is: Murph & Moose

She stuffs lions and elephants by hand iusa_400x400.34068644_2wm1without even hurting them. That’s almost as fierce as raising two toddlers at the same time or getting a degree in physics and political science and studying Russian for fun. We’re talking cuddly things that don’t cost and arm and a leg (like a real lion would if you tried to stuff it). Spoiler alert: She’s my big sister. The product testers are my two nephews. I might be biased.

What you can do:

3. Shattering Glass Buildings in a Single Bb!

Poster_Sketch_v6Who she is: Leah Shaw Music

This lady is a master of North Carolina wine, she survives the ruggedly high rents of New York City and occasionally plays the bassoon in the subway, and she is still willing to split a peanut butter cup milkshake from Cook Out after knowing me for almost 20 years. Most importantly, she’s got a great voice.

What you can do:

Those are just some things I like. I hope you like them too. That’s all.

29 Things a Birthday Does Not Automatically Convey

  1. The ability to step over power cords with an injured leg without tripping
  2. IMG_3194Growing out of eating frozen vegetables as a snack
  3. The ability to function without coffee
  4. Fame
  5. Fortune
  6. A love of doing dishes
  7. Wisdom
  8. The ability to put on toenail polish neatly
  9. IMG_3193Magical skills on a guitar that you haven’t practiced in weeks
  10. The resolution to separate your whites and your colors
  11. Neat handwriting
  12. Excellence in returning phone calls
  13. The ability to control the coffee maker with your mind
  14. All other superpowers
  15. Motivation
  16. Instant healing of injuries
  17. Good taste in music
  18. IMG_3195Loss of delight over new ways to organize books
  19. A memory that never forgets to water the plants
  20. A liking for even numbers
  21. Carpets that vacuum themselves
  22. The ability to play an F chord in time
  23. Love of taking out the trash
  24. Getting over the delight of finding an unexpected chocolate bar
  25. Growing out of a love of really, really bad puns
  26. IMG_3196Better silly faces
  27. The ability to be okay with pictures that are slightly crooked
  28. The ability to write 10-item lists like normal people
  29. Being normal

Thank goodness for that. Happy Birthday, all you September 4thers!

Lady Sense and the Art of Shaving

Clipping coupons is dangerous if you are even moderately a feminist. Let me explain.

I’ve posted before about my frustrations with advertising to ladies:

Communication Skills

Men and women communicate differently.

Affirmative.

Men and women can benefit from seminars targeted to their particular strengths and weaknesses.

Affirmative.

Funny thing: “Communication Skills for Men” does not exist. Just sayin’.

Back to the coupons. Let’s begin with a few basic premises:

Screen Shot 2015-04-11 at 10.19.24 AMMen and women shave their bodies differently.

Affirmative.

Men and women can benefit from razors targeted to their particular shaving needs.

Affirmative.

Now, for the love of all that is holy, can someone please explain to me why the selling points for men are “comfort, closeness, and control,” while having a “scented handle” is the selling point for women???

…

“Well, I was going to use this other razor that gave me a clean shave and didn’t nick my ankle bone, but, you know, when I’m done shaving, my hand just smells like soap. *hopeless gesture*  How will I ever feel like a lady?”

…

“Who would settle for shorter prep time? Shaving my legs used to take 15 minutes, but now I’m not satisfied unless I pause between every stroke to sniff my tropically scented razor handle. 30 minutes or nothing, baby.”

…

“I nicked my knee five times, but I don’t even care because my razor smells so good.”

Said no one ever.

…

This is why Ellen remains my hero: Bic Pens for Women

Sigh.

I think it’s time for me to give up my coupon clipping and do something a little less controversy-riddled for a while. Like watching the news.

A Little Snark with Your Chocolate?

This, in and of itself, advertised yesterday on the radio, is enough snark to last me for at least another month of winter.

Thank you, Vermont Teddy Bears.

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The description. The description is killing me. You have to read it.

Please note the thoughtful disclaimer: “Contains small parts. Not suitable for children.” That–and no other reason–is why it’s not suitable for children.

Happy Valentines Day, lovers of snark everywhere!

Siri Doesn’t Get Word Nerds

This is such a perfect example of my life:

Setting: home; the evening after (yet another) dentist visit

Characters: two lovers of the English language

IMG_2381

Siri doesn’t get word nerds.

Interrobangs are awesome.

…

Ten minutes later: victory to the craving.

IMG_2380

All in a day’s work.

5 Ways Getting a Graduate Degree Is Like Buying a Car

One of the highlights of December 2014 was making the last of my student loan payments. I felt like the Genie at the end of Aladdin exclaiming, “I’m freeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Now, looking back at my years of student debt, I’ve been struck by the similarities between paying for a graduate degree and buying a car.

And no, I’m not talking about the monetary costs. Please. That Seattle Slew was slain a long time ago. No, the the five ways a graduate degree is like a new car are:

  1. No matter how much they try to regulate the system, exhaust happens.
  2. You will live and die by your brakes [sic].
  3. Your blind spots are always bigger than you think.
  4. Breakdowns are inevitable and often occur during the holidays.
  5. No first-time buyer really knows what’s under the hood.

The 12 Gifts Adulthood Gave to Me

On the first day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…a dishwasher full of clean plates

On the second day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…unlimited museums

On the third day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…hole-free socks

On the fourth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…sleeping in ’til 8

On the fifth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…paid off student loans!

On the sixth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…a root canal treatment

On the seventh day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…one dental crown

On the eighth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…one empty inbox

On the ninth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…leftover pasta

On the tenth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…free time to vacuum

On the eleventh day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…warm days (low heat bill!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, adulthood gave to me…end-of-year giving

…and the funny thing about adulthood is this: these were some of my favorite gifts of 2014.  Freedom!!!!

Paid in full 121214

Nominated for the Pushcart Prize!

From vox poetica:

12.05.14 Posted in today’s words by

It never gets easier, but it still makes me happy! I’m pleased to announce this year’s vox poetica nominations for the Pushcart Prize:

Burning a Hole in Daylight by Harry Calhoun
Holding On by Jeanette Cheezum
Moon by Neil Ellman
Saying please by Susan Sweetland Garay
Dive With the Living Things by Jennifer Greenholt
Because Boots by AJ Huffman

Please join me in congratulating these writers and celebrating the art we produce in the vox poetica community!

xoxo
Annmarie

This is an incredible honor. I’m so excited for the opportunity to share my poems and hear that they are read and enjoyed! Thank you, vox poetica!