29 Things a Birthday Does Not Automatically Convey

1. The ability to step over power cords with an injured leg without tripping
2. Growing out of eating frozen vegetables as a snack
3. The ability to function without coffee
4. Fame
5. Fortune
6. A love of doing dishes
7. Wisdom
8. The ability to put on toenail polish neatly
9. Magical skills on a guitar that you haven’t practiced in weeks
10. The resolution to separate your whites and your colors
11. Neat handwriting
12. Excellence in returning phone calls
13. The ability to control the coffee maker with your mind
14. All other superpowers
15. Motivation
16. Instant healing of injuries
17. Good taste in music
18. Loss of delight over new ways to organize books
19. A memory that never forgets to water the plants
20. A liking for even numbers
21. Carpets that vacuum themselves
22. The ability to play an F chord in time
23. Love of taking out the trash
24. Getting over the delight of finding an unexpected chocolate bar
25. Growing out of a love of really, really bad puns
26. Better silly faces
27. The ability to be okay with pictures that are slightly crooked
28. The ability to write 10-item lists like normal people
29. Being normal

Thank goodness for that. Happy Birthday, all you September 4thers!