Have a Snarky Christmas Eve!

Perhaps the secret I am about to reveal will not reflect well upon my character, but on this rainy, dreary Christmas Eve, I feel the need to share a last nibble of Snark before we all embark on the sugar-and-spice fest that is the holiday’s marketing spin. Here goes:

I go shopping on Christmas Eve.

There. I’ve said it. Condemn me, all ye who dare. I bet you also listen to Christmas music on your way to Thanksgiving dinner.

(Wow. That was bitter, wasn’t it? I’ll go easier on the snark next time I make this recipe; I promise.)

But now that we have all of our mutual judgments out on the table (they taste a little bit like store-bought fruitcake, FYI), I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain my reprehensible behavior.

I don’t go shopping on Christmas Eve because I need to buy gifts (today’s purchases totaled an unscented candle and a bottle of ginger ale); I go for the people-watching. In case you’ve never been, let me assure you that it’s far better than Black Friday: less enraged and with a lower probability of byshopper injury.

Still not convinced? Just wait.

When, other than Christmas Eve, will you overhear the admission, “I really have no idea what I’m doing!” spoken loudly and without shame by a twenty-something male who is wandering aimlessly around the grocery store?

When, other than Christmas Eve, do even five-year-olds know to add the following postscript to their pleas for a spiny fake cactus in TJ Maxx: “But Mom, it will be so Christmassy!”?

…and finally, When, other than Christmas Eve, are you likely to encounter a grandfatherly man standing bewildered in the cosmetics aisle of CVS, asking every female who happens to pass by, “Excuse me, but does anyone know where I might find the nail polish remover?”?

I’m telling you: it’s as festive as anything you’ll encounter this season.

Even store-bought fruitcake.

 

I hope you have a (moderately—no pressure here) happy and snark-filled (like raspberry jelly, only less so) Christmas! Cheers!

Getting on the L Train

IMG_3844Tonight, I may be feeling a little less snarky than usual, because I get to watch the premiere of some rockin’ original songs by my before-there-was-Facebook friend Leah Shaw (leahshawmusic.com).

Leah will be playing from 5 to 7 p.m. at what is for both of us an alma mater of North Carolina wine: RayLen Vineyards & Winery.*

I’m looking forward to spending an evening on the jolly side of the tasting bar (although, to be fair, we have a pretty jolly time on the dry side of the counter as well).

Good wine, good music, and lots of holiday cheer. What’s not to like? If you’re a local, I hope to see you there!

*Full disclosure: I work part-time at RayLen, but also heartily endorse the product on my own time.

Favorite Grad School Snark

As grateful as I am not to be writing final papers this week, I have my fair share of fun and entertaining memories from my stint in graduate school. Here are a few of my favorites, dedicated to the procrastination efforts of the many graduate students lingering sleepless in the nation’s libraries:

  1. Grass Two-Con: productivity starts now
  2. The Defense Rap
  3. The Twelve Days of Finals
  4. Extreme Makeover, Grad Student Edition
  5. When Benjamin Met Lynch and Blake
  6. 8 Ways to Tell…
  7. Ten Things You Learn…
  8. Allow me to introduce… part 1 (part 2)
  9. Dear Orlando
  10. Orlando’s Last Prank

Snark on, fellow laborers. Snark on.

The Nose Knows

Nimm dich selbst bei der NaseAct I, Scene I. A street in winter

Me: About time you turned up!

Nose: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s get to the point, shall we? What did you haul me out here to talk about, anyway?

Me: It’s just that I’m starting to feel like a mother carrying around a diaper bag, except that strangers don’t smile at me and say knowingly, “Oh, is this your first?”

Nose: That’s why they invented purses.

Me: Even Madame Maxime’s handbag wouldn’t hold enough tissues at the rate you’re going through them! Speaking of which, be honest. Can you really tell the difference between a tissue that costs $0.007 and one that costs $0.014?

Nose: Please! Can you tell the difference between wet cat food and gourmet pâté?

Me: Umm, no.

Nose: *sniff* Well, that just goes to show…

Me: Look. If you could just walk from time to time, instead of running everywhere. That would be a huge bonus.

Nose: You call walking “exercise”? No wonder those thighs of yours are—

Me: That was a low blow.

Nose: I’m just getting warmed up.

Me: We’re done.

Nose: I feel so snubbed.

/ SCENE

10 Signs of Celebratory Success

10. A pine needle trail that would make Hansel and Gretel proud.

9. A bin of empty bottles bearing the words “holiday” or “seasonal.”

8. Glitter, glitter everywhere. Everywhere.

7. A homemade wreath ten pounds heavier for all the wire holding it together.

6. A miniature Santa sharing mantel space with a jar of Pixy Stix.

5. An entire menu of recipes calling for sour cream, cheese, and melted butter.

4. Call-and-response snark that you could understand if you spoke penny whistle.

3. A Vincent Price poster wearing a snappy sprig of holly behind one ear.

2. A moment of silence on tree lighting, while this guy serenades in the background.

1. Late-night harmonizing kazoo duets. It doesn’t get any better than this.