Grass Two-Con: productivity starts now

Just when you thought computer filters had jumped the shark, made like a flip phone, and gone the way of the penny gumball, a new development in Internet Addiction Management proves they’re still in it to win it.

Announcing the unveiling of Grass Two-Con, the revolutionary new version of Parental Controls developed uniquely for graduate students.

Fully customizable on a variety of levels, the GTC maneuvers users along a continuum of access based on school calendar, proximity of project due dates, and stress level (as measured by a new super-sensitive keyboard that records fingertip perspiration and pulse).

Websites can be unconditionally blocked, placed on a time limit, or limited to a set number of visits per hour.

Academic job outlook sites are strictly off-limits.

The lowest level of security is the Iwoc level (initial week of classes–not to be confused with ewok). Most websites are permitted, but a time limit is applied to the Facebook pages of new classmates.

The middle range places increasing restrictions on sites including but not limited to:

Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
Etsy
LiveJournal
Blogger
WordPress
ICanHasCheezburger
IMDB
PhD Comics
____________ (fully customizable)

Auditory sensors can also be added to filter out babies, cute animals, or wedding photos that elicit an “awww” response in the upper register of the voice.

Discipline-specific filters may permit additional access to news media for students in communication studies and political science. English grads have the option to add a time-sensitive neon flashing pop-up instructing them to “Go Read a Book Already!” if they linger on one page for longer than 30 seconds.

At the upper end of the spectrum is the Osafsotiabohaw Level (one step away from shutting off the Internet and banging one’s head against walls). In this mode, Internet access is restricted to the library’s website, peer-reviewed databases, and mental health care provider sites.

All other sites are

[GTC Error Message: We’re sorry. This page has been added to the proprietor’s list of restricted sites. Limited access will be restored after finals week is over.]

Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English major, a southern liberal, and an employed young adult with a master’s degree. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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