The Defense Rap

What do you do when you’re preparing for a master’s thesis defense? I’ll tell you – you write a rap about it.

Does it matter that you listen to musicals instead of rap, your voice is better suited to Disney princess songs than to Eminem, and you prefer waltzing to hip-hop?

Not a whit.


Channeling Fresh Prince.*


Shakespeare’s Rapper**

Let me tell you how it happened when I scheduled my defense
When I wondered what was happenin’ and everythin’ was tense
My adviser said the main thing was for me to play it cool
But it’s not so easy goin’ when you’re feelin’ like a fool

Like a fool
Like a fool
‘Fraid of lookin’ like a fool

So I made myself a name-tag for a Master’s candidate
And I told the whole committee that the time was gettin’ late
Then they asked me who was Shakespeare and I felt a kind of shock
Stammered Bacon-Oxford-Washington while pleadin’ with the clock

With the clock
With the clock
Wishin’ light speed to the clock

But I knew we’d hit the moment; my degree was on the line
So I hit the rewind button and I told ’em I was fine
If you wanna know the answer to this pressin’ mystery
Then you gotta ask me nicely ’cause it’s in my custody

Got it under lock and key

They were full of expectation, I could see it in their eyes
Listen close, I said, I’ll say it once, you know I tell no lies
Then I slid across the table my examination form
And I said you gotta sign this if you want me to inform

To inform
To inform
Gotta pay me to inform

There and then I saw their signatures appear upon the page
And I said next time you’ll laugh when you see Shakespeare on the stage
‘Cause by then you’ll understand a joke you can’t find in his book
You can never trust a grad who has a lean and hungry look

Hungry look
Hungry look
Then I ran out like a crook

*generally, accents on syllable 3, 7, 11, and 15
**The lyrics of this rap, like many, have no connection to reality. Hungry grad students just want to be fed, and are generally very trustworthy and docile. Yours truly also has no desire to comment on who this W.S. fellow might be.


Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

2 thoughts on “The Defense Rap

  1. If they signed, I'm guessing you passed! Congrats!Let me know when you need to schedule an I'm-losing-my-mind-and-need-to-step-away-from-this break!

  2. 😛 As I said, unfortunately no correlation to reality. My defense is Tuesday. (And–probably a good thing–I'm not planning to use such devious tactics!)

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