Gabaldon’s Fifty Shades of Red

While movie sequels sustain the box office, so too, book series are at the forefront of the latest crazes: from Harry Potter to The Hunger Games, Twilight to Divergent. Let’s face facts: we like to binge (*cough* House of Cards).

I am no exception. Despite reservations, I picked up Diana Gabaldon’s novel Outlander a few months ago and plowed through the 850-page tome, winced over the last hundred pages like so many fans before me, and by the end, was reaching reluctantly for the next.

About a quarter of the way through book two, I began to realize that other readers who had described the series as “Fifty Shades of Gray in Scotland” were insightful but mistaken: the real connection is not the racy content, but rather the authors’ shared fascination with color hues. (I suspect secret side careers with Pantone®.)

Screen Shot 2014-11-16 at 10.42.16 AMI am speaking, of course, of Gabaldon’s love affair with redheads. Seriously. Someone had it bad for Pantone 8024c and 185u. With no further ado, I bring you a sampling of Fifty Shades of Red:

Outlander (Dell, 1992)

  •  “‘It’s all right.’ But he had gone pale beneath the coppery stubble of his beard.”
  • “Jamie MacTavish ducked automatically as he came through the door, bright hair darkened by the rain to the color of ancient bronze.”
  • “He glowed like red amber against the room’s darkness as the wick caught and the light swelled behind him.”
  • “His back was straight as an alder sapling and his hair shone under the sun like a helmet of burnished metal.”

Dragonfly in Amber (Dell, 1993)

  • “But not the remarkable height, the cascade of waist-length red hair, sparked with gold and copper, streaked with amber and cinnamon, curling casually around face and shoulders like a mantle.”
  • “He noted with approval that the sun lit her thick single braid with glints of copper and gold.”
  • “‘No, I’ll do,’ he said, face invisible behind the tangle of roan and cinnamon.”
  • “I sniffed his hair, where the scent of tobacco lingered among the ruddy waves. The candlelight shot the red with strands of gold…”
  • “I rubbed the lock of hair between thumb and forefinger, splaying the cut ends in a small spray of roan and amber.”
  • “The small, warm breeze stirred the drying tufts of soft cinnamon hair beneath his arms, and ruffled the copper and gold that waved gently over his wrists, where they braced his head.”

 

**Disclaimer: Despite turning crimson at the thought, I am still reading these florid tales, currently in the middle of book three. Guilty. I do love my PMS (Pantone Matching System). Don’t hold it against me. I work in print production, after all.

Review: Luka and the Fire of Life

51X+98yyn+LLuka and the Fire of Life: a Novel
by Salman Rushdie (Random House, 2010)

Remember what happened when David Lynch and William Blake went out for tea?

Well, now imagine that Salman Rushdie emceed a brunch-time conversation between Neil Gaiman, Norton Juster, Lewis Carroll, and Paulo Coelho.

The result would be Rushdie’s Luka and the Fire of Life: delight-filled and whimsical, linguistically playful and philosophically inquisitive.

This books brings the Magic into Being.

A Word About Coffee Addicts

You know you have it bad as a coffee addict when you run out of the house, late, screaming behind you as you run, “I hate you, Benedict!”, having just renamed your travel mug (formerly “Harvey”), who—yes, “who”—disappeared at a most inconvenient moment.

Fifteen minutes later, when the aforementioned coffee mug rolls out from beneath your front passenger seat, you squeal, giggle, and exclaim, “I love you Benedict!”

Life is tough for a coffee addict (and her identity-confused travel mug).

A Tiny, Prickly Anti-Snark

Every now and then, you encounter something too adorable for snark. (Thanks, Dave.) This little guy wins. Today is not a Tuesday, but the tiny things demand to be noticed.

Must watch with sound.

SOURCE: “Watching This Porcupine Taste This Pumpkin Is Why the World Is Going to Be Okay Today,” from Mother Jones.

The Happiest Little Introvert’s Night on the Town: A Child’s Book for Adults

The Happiest Little Introvert

woke up in time for tea,

then ambled through the kitchen singing,

“There’s no one but me!”

 

The Happiest Little Introvert

stopped dead and gave a hoot:

she’d reached a well-thought-out retort

for last week’s lost dispute.

 

Two hours hence, our Introvert

sat digging through her clutches.

The gold was nice, but much too small

to hold her Webster’s Duchess.

 

The Happiest Little Introvert

was weighing invitations;

she growled and gestured in the glass

with myriad summations.

 

At last the Happy Introvert

agreed to join, contrite,

relieved that working gave excuse

to make an early night.

Workouts for Apartment Living, 2.0

Living in an apartment has its own unique charm. Even though many apartment complexes boast state-of-the-art workout facilities on site, residents also have access to more basic, everyday forms of exercise. All it takes is a little ingenuity.

Lest you think I’m reverting to the old whine about the calf workout you get from living on the third floor, read on. Please. That was yesterday’s Workout for Apartment Living. This is version 2.0.

Exercise #1: The VacuTricExtensortops*

Don’t get sucked in by that expensive upright wind tunnel bagless turbo weightless filtered robot. Instead, grab to a $30 handheld, assume the crouch position, and get ready for the workout of your life. In the 15 minutes it takes to vacuum 700 square feet of carpet, you’ll feel the burn in your triceps, extensors, quads, and maybe even your Brachioradialis. It’s better than a one-armed rowing machine.

*Also the name for a lesser-known herbivorous dinosaur from the Mesozoic era.

Exercise #2: The Shirting Jill Drill

Jumping jacks are such a thing of the past. As every true apartmentalista knows, your average complex is constantly performing some form of maintenance that involves a man on a ladder standing outside your bedroom window at 8:30 a.m. To practice the Shirting Jill Drill, working your back and shoulder muscles simultaneously in a motion not unlike an inverse butterfly stroke, simply open your bedroom blinds and remain shirtless until you hear the ladder strike the wall. After the first clang of boot-on-rung, you have approximately six seconds to run to your closet, grab a shirt, and pull it over your head. A simply, modest workout for the average young professional.

Exercise #3: Fine, The Getting Downstairs

I told you this was version 2.0

Book-friendly Adventures

Moving to a new city solo can be an intimidating experience. If you’re like me, you might be too impatient to wait for friendships to develop before venturing out to see all that the new city has to offer.

In light of that experience, I’ve realized that bars, restaurants, coffee shops, and other gathering places need another rating system. Whereas the traditional system gives one to five stars based on the quality of food, libations, atmosphere, and service, I propose a simpler method that judges a location’s accessibility to those who, like me, who are temporarily traveling solo.

Requirements for a book-friendly rating are simple:

1. Small tables, but not too small, with one or two chairs apiece. No solo (except perhaps Han) wants to take up a table for four, and while miniature bistro sets may be fashionable, they do not leave room for Shakespeare’s collected works.

2. Corners. Nobody puts Baby in a corner, but every introverted bookworm will thank you for providing a safe place from which to observe the scene.

3. Unobtrusive, clearly marked routes from door to bar to bathroom to door. Traveling solo with a book under your arm is intimidating enough without the entire establishment paying court as you ask for directions or accidentally enter the men’s room.

4. Crash bars on all external doors, particularly if you have patio seating. Having to choose between dropping To Kill a Mockingbird or a craft IPA is one of those “lady or the tiger” dilemmas that only psychology majors want to confront.

5. Finally—and most importantly—thoughtful servers, staff, and patrons who acknowledge by a lack of stares and snickers that not all humans travel in pairs and that, sometimes, in lieu of a human companion, a book will do just as well.

That’s really all we ask. 🙂


 Certified book-friendly locations in the Triangle region of North Carolina include:

Open Eye Cafe, Carrboro

Cup-a-Joe, Raleigh

Steel String Brewing, Carrboro

Raleigh Brewing Co.

Push-ups for Tall People

I have long wondered why push-ups, in particular, are the bane of my best intentions to get in shape. Surely there must be a reason! Well, at last, I think I have found one. Behold these two visual representations of why push-ups are more difficult for tall people.

(And just so we’re clear, I’m talking honest-to-goodness push-ups, here. None of that half-hearted stuff they call “lady push-ups.”)

laddersafetyIllustration #1

The proportions are never quite right. Observe:

Imagine a push-up to be a ladder angled horizontally up from the ground. Now let’s do some calculations, just hypothetical ones:

  • 5′ 10″ tall (70 inches)
  • ~30-33″ arms
  • 70 / 30 does not equal 4.

Something is a trifle off with the ratio suggested by the experts.

Danger! Danger! Ladder safety violation!

Illustration #2.

Compare the stability and balance:

8_Rung_Combination_Ladder_One_Section_Ladder
12_Rung_Combination_Ladder_Two_Section_Ladder

The British man in the red shirt agrees. No offense, extension ladder, but I rest my case.

(Also, Newton agrees.)

Yeah. I should stop whimpering now and just go to the gym.

Grape Yolks for the Young at Heart

After a fun but hectic Saturday working at the Yadkin Valley Wine Festival with RayLen Vineyards & Winery, I was eager to read the write-up in the Elkin Tribune. Reading local news coverage about my interests produces a very basic pleasure.

But, then, this happened:

“A popular wine yolk glass holder adorned the neck of veteran wine festival goers and beginners alike as they made their rounds with diligence to fit in the possibility of tasting a total of 29 Yadkin Valley wineries during the wine festival adventure. Seasoned veteran festival goers called the yolks convenient and make for a safe day of intense wine tasting.”

No.

No.

No.

Let me clarify one simple fact. Wine does not have yolks. Wine glasses do not have yolks. They may have yokes (e.g., WineYoke). Eggs have yolks (e.g., egg yolk). Capisce?

Unless—and perhaps it is just that brilliant—they have harnessed all the health benefits of the egg yolk and married them to the fibrous regulatory power of the Grape Nut (comme this Grape-Nuts Meatloaf). Talk about synergy!

Hey: anything can happen at a wine festival.

Intent: 200%

Execution: There’s always next year…