Workouts for Apartment Living, 2.0

Living in an apartment has its own unique charm. Even though many apartment complexes boast state-of-the-art workout facilities on site, residents also have access to more basic, everyday forms of exercise. All it takes is a little ingenuity.

Lest you think I’m reverting to the old whine about the calf workout you get from living on the third floor, read on. Please. That was yesterday’s Workout for Apartment Living. This is version 2.0.

Exercise #1: The VacuTricExtensortops*

Don’t get sucked in by that expensive upright wind tunnel bagless turbo weightless filtered robot. Instead, grab to a $30 handheld, assume the crouch position, and get ready for the workout of your life. In the 15 minutes it takes to vacuum 700 square feet of carpet, you’ll feel the burn in your triceps, extensors, quads, and maybe even your Brachioradialis. It’s better than a one-armed rowing machine.

*Also the name for a lesser-known herbivorous dinosaur from the Mesozoic era.

Exercise #2: The Shirting Jill Drill

Jumping jacks are such a thing of the past. As every true apartmentalista knows, your average complex is constantly performing some form of maintenance that involves a man on a ladder standing outside your bedroom window at 8:30 a.m. To practice the Shirting Jill Drill, working your back and shoulder muscles simultaneously in a motion not unlike an inverse butterfly stroke, simply open your bedroom blinds and remain shirtless until you hear the ladder strike the wall. After the first clang of boot-on-rung, you have approximately six seconds to run to your closet, grab a shirt, and pull it over your head. A simply, modest workout for the average young professional.

Exercise #3: Fine, The Getting Downstairs

I told you this was version 2.0


Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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