In review: this year I did not become addicted to Facebook applications. I still dance around my kitchen on a regular basis, but I try not to crash into the refrigerator. I did read the Twilight books, but still make fun of them. I drank no more or less coffee than I drank this year. Computers…no comment, Linus. Random comments–check. I do not own rubber rain boots. Artistic talent? ha, but I’ve added painting glass vases with fabric paint. Griping about shoes–infrequently. Another post like last year’s? You’re reading it, aren’t you?
Well, in that light, I guess I’m obliged. Unless I’m not.
Un-Resolution number ONE
I will not eat my decomposing gingerbread house that has been sitting out for a month.
Un-Resolution number TWO
I will probably in all likelihood with a >1 probability continue to back up my computer files in at least three locations and yet still manage to lose a few by the end of the year.
Un-Resolution number THREE
I will stay strong in my ongoing and bloody battle with all stairs on earth. Stairs on Mercury might be safer. Lower gravity and burning up before you hit the ground and all.
Un-Resolution number FOUR
I will continue to never think about David Lynch’s film Inland Empire ever again.
Un-Resolution number FIVE
When I write I will always remember that ridiculously long sentences are challenging for readers to follow because they incorporate so many different elements that the ones with which the sentence began get lost in the ensuing chaos that flows from divergent modes of thought about abstract concepts like the value of utilitarianism or the precise literary interpretation of the scene in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when the flowerpot chases a white rabbit down a fireplace and eats all the cookies that were meant for Santa.
Un-Resolution number SIX
I will justify the hours I spend on Facebook by dividing that number by the total cups of coffee I consume per week and labeling the whole problem an irrational number symbolized by a Greek word that will be mistaken for a sorority name.
Un-Resolution number SEVEN
I will not spend unnecessary hours in my study carrel. Except in utter desperation.
Un-Resolution number EIGHT
I will not, at the precise moment it is needed, remember where I put the document that I have previously sworn never to need again.
Un-Resolution number NINE
I will not try unsuccessfully to stop smiling in the midst of a good waltz.
Un-Resolution number TEN
I might un-resolve to un-resolve to resolve to fulfill a resolution by failing to fulfill a single resolution I resolved to un-resolve to resolve. Have fun with that one!