Five GIFs that express the sensation of flying with sinus congestion

The title pretty much says it all. Visiting family for Christmas is a great delight; however, flying home with a head cold is more like:

1. Bubblegum about to explode

Albert_ryant_bubblegum

2. The Death Star exploding

3. Doc Ock losing control of his sun

2285-sarnoff07dockock

4. The birth scene in the Alien movies

alien birth

5. Priori Incantatem in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

HPvVoldemort

Rest assured; despite all threats to the contrary, my ears did not, in fact, explode. If they had, it would have made a far better science fiction movie. The royalties would have been nice, but I think I’ll settle for a box of Kleenex and a pair of intact eardrums.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

*Graphics Interchange Format. The proper pronunciation of the acronym is a soft “g” sound: like JIF. –Urban Dictionary

‘Twas the Last Night for Healthcare

The-Night-Before-Christmas

The story is a little bit different this Christmas eve…

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the States
Not a creature was stirring, no food was on plates.
The socials were entered, the forms filled with care,
In fear lest the healthcare.gov site would err.
The uninsured families were tucked up in bed,
While visions of coverage danced in their heads;
My screen with white backdrop, my fingers a-tap
I’d just settled in for a long, restless nap,
When out on the street there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtain and threw up the sash.
The moon on the glaze of the rain-blackened drive
Gave the lustre of ice balls to dead and alive.
Then, what should my wondering eyes chance to see,
But a miniature gurney and eight orderlies,
With a little old driver–on closer exam,
I knew it could only be dear Uncle Sam.
More rapid than Firefox his orderlies go,
And he points, and he shouts to all those down below;
“Remember! Enrollment goes on one more day!
But hurry! At midnight, the chance goes away!”
…

A wink of his eye and a twist of his hat,
Gave far greater comfort than “Tonya’s” live chat;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And checked all the boxes; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger to two final keys,
He clicked, and “Approved” flashed before I could sneeze;
He beckoned his orderlies, coffee in hand,
And away they all flew like the tune of a band.
Then I heard him exclaim, as his gurney took flight,
“Happy Christmas to all…that blasted website.”

RIP, Honored Footwear

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.
–Marilyn Monroe

It was their time to go.

PUMA

They were beautiful once: glossy white and blue, leonine in their lounging grace.

Rugged.

Sharp.

But life took over, as it always does. “Nothing gold can stay,” wrote Robert Frost. Too true. Too true.

RIP cleatsThese embattled warriors carried me to Charlotte, Chapel Hill, and Alabama. They swam the marshy waters of the summer league fields. They braved the bitter cold of winter. They sweated. They stumbled. They rallied.

Held together by sheer force of will (and duct tape), they struggled on when all other cleats would have long since given up.

At last, their day has come, and they have gone to a better place.

dumpster

Rest in Peace, faithful cleats. May God have mercy on your soles.

Tiny Thing Tuesdays: Books

Day-to-day life is full of stresses. I recently shared with you my secret method of dealing with them: tiny things.

That’s why I started the blog series, “Tiny Thing Tuesdays.” Every Tuesday (until the stresses overwhelm me or the end of the year), I will share with you my latest and minute-but-greatest finds in the field of tiny things.

This week is brought to you by tiny books:

Tiny Leather Book Necklace by sophisticatedjunkie
From Me to You, A Gift of Friendly Thoughts by bookpickers
Miniature Book / To Kill a Mockingbird by carielewyn
Miniature Bookcase Earrings by JanDaJewelry

Ta-daa! Consider yourself ready for whatever this week can throw at you. Tiny FTW!

Tiny Thing Tuesdays: Cacti

Day-to-day life is full of stresses. I recently shared with you my secret method of dealing with them: tiny things.

That’s why I started the blog series, “Tiny Thing Tuesdays.” Every Tuesday (until the stresses overwhelm me or the end of the year), I share with you my latest and minute-but-greatest finds in the field of tiny things, both adorable and absurd.

This week is brought to you by tiny cacti:

Tiny Handstamped and Painted Cactus Sticker Set by scting
Tiny Cactus Crewel Embroidery by TooCrewel
Prickly Pear Tiny GemSprout Terrarium by GemSprouts
0.8 inch crochet cactus by LamLinh

Ta-daa! Consider yourself ready for whatever this week can throw at you. Tiny wins!

In Which North Carolina Panic(e)s

Today, a few droplets of water reached the magical temperature of 32 degrees Fahrenheit, a process that daily and deliberately takes place in domestic freezers all across the state. This occurrence in nature, however, causes North Carolina to panic en masse, raise the drawbridge, and proclaim an impending siege by nature herself.

Signs of this panic:

  • Ice warningNeon signs hang over the interstates, warning of the icy conditions to come. They might as well announce, straight from Dante’s Inferno, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter, merge, or exit here.”
  • Black FridayGrocery stores experience the Black Friday of milk and bread. Despite the widely-recognized fact that modern refrigeration is dependent on electric power, milk cartons fly off the shelves, and there is a strong threat of trampling in the bread aisle. That last loaf of pumpernickel is mine!
  • BitcoinExpensive bundles of firewood are the new bitcoin. Economists are already predicting a market crash when this ethereal currency literally goes up in damp, sputtering smoke.
  • Loch Ness MonsterTwitter undergoes a makeover à la the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization or nessie.co.uk, with sightings of ice popping up all over the state and ever-more excitedly corroborated. #icesighting*

 

*Not to be confused with #icedtea, the vociferous sweet vs. unsweet battle that divides North and South during the summer…

So, stockpile your expensive firewood bundles, North Carolina. By the time the ice melts (i.e., in two hours time), you will need your newly purchased snow shovel and ice pick to dig your way out of the piles of moldy bread and sour milk mounded on the curb.

Tiny Thing Tuesdays: Writing Utensils

Day-to-day life is full of stresses. I recently shared with you my secret method of dealing with them: tiny things.

That’s why I started the blog series, “Tiny Thing Tuesdays.” Every Tuesday (until the stresses overwhelm me or the end of the year), I will share with you my latest and minute-but-greatest finds in the field of tiny things.

This week is brought to you by tiny writing utensils:

20 Tiny Pencil Beads by TheCraftyBead
Tiny Little Pencil Pouch Key Chain by decotini
Tiny Monster Coloring bags by PuddleWonderfulShop
Tiny Fountain Ink Pen Nib Earrings by ArtifactsNRelics

Ta-daa! Consider yourself ready for whatever this first week of December can throw at you. Tiny triumphs forever!

My Dumbphone Speaks Latin

…what can your smartphone do?

1215441700743422472thilakarathna_Mobile_Phone.svg.medRecently, my aging phone has begun to talk back.

In Latin.

In complicated Latin.

Any time I attempt to use the coordinating conjunction “but”, my phone decides that it would prefer to use “ut”. And, as every classically educated scholar knows, “ut” is one of the more complicated Latin terms to translate.

“Ut is one of the most frustrating words to translate in Latin, along with ‘quam’ and ‘quod’ due to its range of meanings. Students tend to translate it as ‘in order to …’ automatically, when this is only one of its possible translations.” (1)

Uh-oh: does my phone want me to use a result clause, a purpose clause, or an indirect command?

Should I use an indicative verb or a subjunctive verb?

Why can’t I just text in English?

All I wanted to do was to use a coordinating conjunction.

*sniff*

I’m not even using AutoCorrect!

…

…

My dumb phone: making me feel dumber every day.

Tiny Thing Tuesdays: Spoons

Day-to-day life is full of stresses. I recently shared with you my secret method of dealing with them: tiny things.

That’s why I’m introducing a new blog series, “Tiny Thing Tuesdays.” Every Tuesday (until the stresses overwhelm me or the end of the year), I will share with you my latest and minute-but-greatest finds in the field of tiny things.

This week is brought to you by tiny spoons:

Tiny Spoon sculpting tool by AMCreatures
Tiny Abraham Lincoln will thank you.
Miniature Spoon and Bowl by TerraCantata
Fairies, elves, and dolls, oh my!
TINY SHELL Repurposed Metal Spoon Ring by truformjewelry
It is TINY! It’s in the name.

Ta-daa! Consider yourself ready for whatever this Thanksgiving week can throw at you. Tiny triumphs FTW!

How to Defeat Monster Stresses

Day-to-day life is full of stresses.

I have a secret for dealing with them, and I’m about to share it with you.

Are you ready?

…

Okay.

Here it is: for every stress, there is a tiny thing.

Trust me. Tiny things are wonderful. Go look them up.