A Whole New Scent

A few weeks ago, I discovered a horrifying fact: local stores have stopped carrying the particular scent of deodorant that I have used for years. And I’m sorry, but I have not yet reached the level of Internetsanity in which I will buy deodorant on Amazon.

No dataAfter searching in vain through multiple stores, I made my selection and headed home, despondent.

Pomegranate and lemon verbana is not the same as grapefruit and lemongrass, Dove. It’s just not. In desperation, I tweeted the following:

A Whole New Scent

But no one stepped up, so the Internet has left me with no choice.

Forgive me. I had to do it. For the lemongrass.

A Whole New Scent

I can show you the smells–
Solids, aerosoles, roll-ons.
Tell me, shopper, now when did
you last let your nose decide?

I can open your nose,
take you fragrance by fragrance,
odor, bouquet, and incense,
on a pheromonic ride

A whole new scent!
A new fantastic whiff of spice!
No more perspiring tell or ling’ring smell
that says I just left Frisbee…

A whole new scent!
A dazzling mist I never knew,
but when I’m shopping here, for Secret clear
I know I’m in a whole new scent, it’s true;
now I’m in a whole new scent with you.

Unbelievably Suave!
Indescribable dryness!
Soaring, tumbling, with arms high
through an endless, sleeveless sky,

A whole new scent!
(Don’t you dare leave white marks.)
A hundred thousand things to smell!
(Hold your breath, it gets better.)

I’m an olfactory star;
I’ve come so far;
I can’t go back
to where I used to be.

A whole new scent,
every whiff a surprise,
with new sense perceptions to pursue,
every moment gets better.

I’ll waft them anywhere;
there’s time to spare;
let me share this whole new scent with you.

A whole new scent–
that’s what I’ll wear–
so moisture-rich,
and anti-itch
for close-shaved hair.


Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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