Success! Vacation!

The Snark is back!

Friends, I did not realize how difficult it can be to take a vacation until I had the glorious opportunity, recently, to take a week-long beach trip with some of my closest friends. I spent the week hobnobbing with Hogarth, a seagull with an extraordinary homing device for sour cream and onion potato chips.

Hogarth

Nonetheless, had we not been sequestered in an Internet-free zone on an island in the Outer Banks, I would have lasted barely a day before sneaking away, shamefaced, to access Gmail and WorkZone. Turns out I’m lost without my inter-office social media platforms.

The experience got me thinking about what it takes for a workaholic to find rest in the midst of a busy working life, and I am happy to report that I have arrived at three fail-safe solutions. You’re welcome.

Scenario 1: The Tropical Storm

Travel to a small island connected to the mainland (really, any mainland will do) with a single bridge. Summon a tropical storm (we all know you can do it). Wait for the bridge to flood and the wind to knock out the power. Success! Vacation!

Scenario 2: The Locked Door

Place your keys on the counter and your computer and phone on the kitchen table. Promise not to yell at your spouse, your roommate, your kids, or your pets when you get back. Secure the lock on the front door, walk outside, and shut the door firmly behind you. Resist the urge to go to your neighbor’s house and borrow the phone. Do not, in any case, test the windows or the back door. Success! Vacation!

Scenario 3: Off the Map (for truly incurable workaholics)

Tie a clean handkerchief over your eyes and put on your headphones, playing something loud. Recruit a close friend who owns a rusty Jeep. Climb carefully into the car. Do not ask your friend where you are going. When you reach the center of a distant wood, climb out of the car (let it come to a complete stop first), walk further into the woods, spin around until you get dizzy while your friend drives away, wait 30 seconds, and then remove the blindfold. Success! Vacation!

Or, you could just be a normal human being and take a vacation. That’s an option, too. I guess. If you’re into that kind of thing.

Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English major, a southern liberal, and an employed young adult with a master’s degree. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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