Violation: Delay of Coffee

Mistake #1 that you should never make on a Thursday: waiting until noon for the first cup of coffee.

Fine motor skills are the first thing to go. By 9:45, typing “the” is more difficult than typing “onomatopoeia.”

Next is the ability to communicate. By 10:30, enunciating the phrase “book of stamps” is more difficult than speaking in ancient Greek.

The final blow occurs when your brain loses the ability to distinguish between human beings and inarticulate felines. By 11:15, you begin to sing “It’s a Fine Life” from Oliver (not the animated version) to the impatient cat, who harmonizes with you on the high notes.

If you take a bow to the mailman after this impromptu duet, you have passed beyond the realm of recovery. May God have mercy on your soul.

Lesson of the day: if you are not a morning person, make coffee. Drink coffee. And revel in the carcinogenic functionality that this wonder-cure provides.

Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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