RE: Watch for Flying Forks

February 14, 2013 by Jen

In honor of the day’s celebrations, I decided to uncork a finely aged post from the 2009 vintage. What a good year that was. Let it breathe; then savor it well, and Happy Valentines Day!

Theater people are superstitious. New Years Day is full of “do”s and “don’t”s to get the year off to a lucky start. Friday the Thirteenth? A full moon? Political correctness. He/She/It? Ahhh!!!


Oh no, my friends. What you may not realize is that these days and situations have nothing on the most tenuous of days when friendships can be destroyed, tears evoked, luck ruined, and the wrath of an entire gender brought down upon your head in a single instant.

Valentines Day.

I doubt it’s an accident that the name sounds like “flying [fork] tines.”

If you read my post on New Years Resolutions, you may have realized I don’t put much stock in cultural taboos. Or at least, I try not to.

My challenge to you this Nightmare-of-Flying-Fork-Tines Day is to walk bravely under the ladder of Valentines taboos, reflecting that the color red is, after all, just a color, and Walmart has already started decorating for Easter.

To help you on your journey, I’ve compiled a list of Valentines taboos just dying to be broken:

  • Wear absolutely nothing red. Or pink. Or rose. Or maroon. Or magenta. Or fuschia. Or plum. Or salmon. Or strawberry. Or raspberry. Or fire engine red. Or even lavendar, because it’s a pink wanna-be. OR…
  • Wear every shade of pink and red. At the same time. Not because it’s Valentines Day or Broken-Heart Day.
  • Watch a sappy chick flick and scoff loudly at the most romantic moments. OR…
  • Watch a sappy chick flick and DON’T scoff loudly at the most romantic moments.
  • Eat a piece of chocolate cake for dessert without offering to share with a friend. OR…
  • Start a no-chocolate diet.
  • Change your relationship status on Facebook at least twelve times, allowing time for “aww” comments in between. OR…
  • Send all your friends who use the Li’l Green Patch application on Facebook a red rose, regardless of their relationship status.
  • Re-gift your leftover Christmas candy. OR..
  • Re-gift last year’s Valentines and candy.
  • If you’re on a date or spending your first Fork Day as a couple, add Frank Sinatra’s “Love and Marriage” to your dinner playlist. And sing along. AND…
  • Drop shameless hints every time you see a diamond commercial. OR…
  • At that fancy restaurant, get down on one knee…to tie your shoe.
  • Stage a protest of alternate Valentines Day nomenclature: Singles Awareness Day and Un-Valentines are just going too far. Fork Day is okay. OR…
  • Wish them all your single friends a happy “Singles Awareness Day.” AND…
  • Create a personalized relationship plan for each of your single friends. Present it to them with a little “Bless your heart” thrown in for good measure.

And above all else, have fun showin’ some love to the people you care about. After all, you’ve just survived a full moon, so you should be all warmed up to dodge some flying forks.

Me, I might just check my mailbox for all the incoming relationship plans; then sit down and watch Titanic for the first time and have a good cry at the end. Oh, Rose…Wherefore art thou (un-drowndest) Rose? The world will always wonder…

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