In my book,
…Resolve is a carpet cleaner.
…The word Re-solution means having another go at a solution you tried last year.
…If you see the email subject line Re: Solution, you know a lecture is forthcoming.
I’m not the New Years Resolution type. My carpet is past help, and I’ve heard carpet cleaners are very bad for your complexion. I can get a lecture just by bringing up November’s election, and solutions that have been tried and discarded once usually have an embedded computer virus.
But, in the spirit of a New Year free of superstitions, black eyed peas, and insulted looks, I’ve decided to try my hand at a series of New Years Un-Resolutions, otherwise known as stating the obvious (sneaky, right?).
Enjoy. And don’t forget to leave the garbage inside today. (In which case, I’d recommend leaving the kitty litterbox in the basement until tomorrow as well.)
**Drum roll, please…
Un-Resolution number ONE
(must be spoken out loud with similar emphasis for the Un-R to work)
I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever make a resolution to watch VeggieTales.
Un-Resolution number TWO
I will probably not stop writing on my blogs or start caring that my readership is approximately 3 people. When they’re really bored.
Un-Resolution number THREE
I might not begin to clean my room before it gets to the ouch-I-tripped-on-a-giant-dust-bunny-named-Bob stage.
Un-Resolution number FOUR
I will never put superglue and duck tape over the snooze button on my alarm clock.
Un-Resolution number FIVE
I will almost definitely write another bizarre and chaotic Christmas letter next year.
Un-Resolution number SIX
I will religiously refuse to post my relationship status on my Facebook page, on principle.
Un-Resolution number SEVEN
I will resume my perusal of Despair.com with the goal of one day working on their staff.
Un-Resolution number EIGHT
I will alliterate any way and any wheelbarrow of words aptly worth alliterating.
Un-Resolution number NINE
I will endeavor to utilize my supercilious tendency to quibble with abnormally horizontally-extended speech to whatever antidisestablishmentarianistic ends possible, unless I have the misfortune of contracting pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Un-Resolution number TEN
I will most likely very probably with a high percentage of likelihood not become resolved to take my New Years resolutions, un- or not, seriously.
**another drumroll, just for kicks…