The Revenge of the Fish

April 3, 2013 by Jen

I love Goldfish® crackers.

I love them in a bag.

I love them in a box.

I love them in a carton.

I love them in the multi-p(ox).*

But, apparently, Goldfish® crackers do not suffer forever the rampant gormandizing of our species. Sometimes, they fight back.

Yesterday, I fell victim to one such attack. It was an ordinary day. Because I work from home, I eat meals at irregular intervals throughout the working day, often while continuing to work at my laptop. I had placed a business call and, as is often the case, reached voicemail. The subject of the call was timely, so I was determined not to miss the return call. But, around the lunch hour, I paused from my other tasks to snack on some innocent-looking Whole Grain Cheddar Goldfish® crackers.

Innocent, my foot.

As soon as I had [delicately placed] [one] goldfish crackers in my mouth and had begun to chew, a horrible thing happened. Triggered by a secret invisible pulse signal from the devious fish, the cell phone sitting beside me lit up and began to ring.

If you have ever tried to speak to someone immediately after consuming a saltine cracker, you know what comes next. Attempts to swallow quickly are futile. Desperate to take the call and discontinue the game of phone tag, I had no chance against the evil carassius auratus auratus. A nearby napkin was my only hope.

I will spare you the rest of the tale, for it is not for the ears of the genteel. Suffice it to say that I will never again take arms against [the inhabitants of] a sea of troubles. Or, at least, I will wait until EOB to do so.

*But for the failed rhymes, the Pepperidge Farm® website reads a little bit like a Dr. Seuss book, if a Dr. Seuss book were littered with registered trademark symbols.

"Hunting of the Snark"

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.


Top Posts & Pages



Hyperbole and a Half

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

The Snarkist

Advice you probably don't want

Vintage Ramblins

Thoughts on the Road

Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

Why just survive when you can thrive?

Christ! Xmas

all about Christmas and Santa.

Break Room Stories

Service Industry Stories and More Since 2012


a blog written by the intern at winston-salem's a/perture cinema.


Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side


easy reading is damn hard writing

Rachel Poli

I read. I write. I create.


Photographs from my world.

A Commonplace Blog

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

Tales from the Reading Room

A Literary Salon Where All Are Welcome


Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

Red Wine Diva

It's a Wine Life: Musings and Tastings

%d bloggers like this: