This Pumpkin Is No Cinderella

La-di-da-de-dah, time to go to the pumpkin patch! Carving pumpkins is so much fun!

If I could just–cut–out–the–stem–

Ladies and Gentlemen: this is no ordinary pumpkin.

This pumpkin has, in all likelihood, been genetically engineered to resist carving.

Please observe the following cross-section:

Note the absurdly thick rind. The dense flesh. The self-healing property that instantly converts partially sliced skin into a consistency not unlike the stem.

This is no ordinary pumpkin.

If I were in a horror movie, eerie music would begin to play in the background, and someone would be readying the fake blood.


And yet I had such high hopes for you. Those tattoos? Should have used pencil. Or had lower expectations for my fine detail control when required to use a BUTCHER KNIFE.

And yet, in the end, good triumphs over evil.


Jen triumphs over the pumpkin.

And the year’s masterpiece fishbowl of terror is (close enough to finally call it quits) complete. Watch out, little Nemo.

Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English major, a southern liberal, and an employed young adult with a master’s degree. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

2 thoughts on “This Pumpkin Is No Cinderella

  1. I have a pumpkin carving kit if you decide you want to carve another one. Hrm…not sure where I put it but if you want to borrow it, I'll make an effort to find it.I think yours looks neat lit!

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