Open Letter to My ThinkPad

Dear Linus,

It’s been a good two years. You stepped in at a time in my life when I really needed support. You helped me see Marvin for what he truly was, and you stood up for my decision to let him go.

We’ve shared a real connection, Linus. I’ll be the first to admit it. Even though you pulled an Eternal Sunshine on me twice, I took you back — you know why? Because I knew I needed you. You went more days without sleeping than I can count, and the number of times you got a full day off would probably fit on a tetrahedron die.

But we have had our problems. Your reliance on power outlets is neither environmentally conscious nor convenient. Heated arguments are one thing, but you never really chill out. You’re always hot under the battery pack. And I need someone I can count on. I can be scatterbrained, but you can’t seem to break the habit of losing important documents at the last minute.

When you lost Orlando, it was the beginning of the end. I know you didn’t like him (we had our disagreements too), but you can’t treat a thesis like that just because you’re jealous. I need a computer that can keep up with me, and I don’t think you want to anymore.

What’s more, now that you’ve lost touch with your network of friends, I just can’t afford to support you. You don’t have insurance, and you go to the doctor way more than someone your age ought to. All the features I liked about you seem to have expired. You even get really blue when I ask you to play music.

But I would like for us to remain friends, Linus. I think the phrase “trade him in for a newer model” is kind of crude. Just think of it as you’re being let go, your life’s going in a different direction, you’re part of a permanent outplacement…

I know, I know. It sounds bad. But we can still hang out from time to time. You’ll always be my first and only ThinkPad. I hope you can forgive me.




Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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