Friends, I have come to an important realization: my internal system requires 43 percent solar power in order to operate at full capacity. Due to eccentricities of design, this percentage cannot be replaced by other forms of energy such as food, caffeine, or sleep. If present in insufficient quantities, I operate at a maximum functionality of 57 percent.
It’s a serious conundrum.
Hence, it is of the utmost importance for me to allot daily sessions spent in direct sunlight, to ensure sufficient recharging of this crucial energy component. (In my head, the process is accompanied by a distinctive Mario power-up sound.)
Today, I’m at about 82 percent. It’s a good day.
So do not be alarmed if you find me curled up on a coffee table, squeezed on a kitchen counter, or immobilized in the center of a parking lot. I am not a vampire—I neither sparkle nor dissolve; I am not an Animagus—no cat fur; I am not an Ent—no latent environmental rage. Think of me instead as a self-sustaining human solar panel, another photosynthetic creature just trying to survive another winter.
I’m totally harmless: I swear. Unless, of course, you happen to block my sunlight. In that case, I’m not making any promises…