Orlando and I Reconcile Over Procrastination

2

March 14, 2011 by Jen

Otherwise known as…

A Quasi Logic-Based Attempt to Regain Nominal Appreciation for Orlando, the Thesis That Would Neither Vanish Nor Transmogrify into Something Slightly More Fantastic Than a Million Dollars, Through Misguided Appropriation of Flawed Logic, Outmoded Analogies, Barely Applicable Similes, and Wholly Metaphysical Conceits.

But that wouldn’t fit in the title box.

So.

Attempt #1

Cookie recipes call for 12 minutes of baking time.
After 8 minutes, cookies are still soft in the middle.
I don’t like crunchy cookies.
I prefer cookies that are still soft in the middle.
Therefore, I prefer cookies that are two-thirds done.
I’ve written two-thirds of Orlando’s first draft.
Orlando is not completed.
Orlando is two-thirds completed.
A synonym for completed is “done.”
Orlando is two-thirds done.
THEREFORE, I prefer Orlando.

Attempt #2

When I play frisbee, I have a higher probability of catching frisbees that are out of reach.
Therefore, it is better for my team if the frisbee is out of reach.
When the frisbee is flying by quickly, it is more likely to be out of reach.
Therefore, it is better for my team if the frisbee is flying by quickly.
It is one month and five days before my defense.
The time until my defense is flying by quickly.
The time until my defense ∝ the probability of finishing my thesis.
Therefore, the probability of finishing my thesis is flying by quickly.
At my current rate of production, I cannot finish my thesis on time.
Therefore, finishing my thesis is out of reach.
“Finishing my thesis” = “catching the frisbee”
THEREFORE, conditions are optimal for me to finish my thesis.

Attempt #3

Chapters provide structure to a thesis.
Rhythm/meter provides structure to music.
Chapter:Thesis :: Meter:Music.
Chapters designate a thesis’s time signature.
Orlando has three chapters.
Therefore Orlando’s time signature is 3/4.
3/4 is the time signature of the waltz.
I love to waltz.
THEREFORE, I love Orlando.

Attempt #3.14

Orlando has nothing to do with math.
I have nothing to do with math.
THEREFORE, Orlando =

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

Happy Pi Day, y’all.
Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Orlando and I Reconcile Over Procrastination

  1. Connie Lynn says:

    i love this post. it reminds me of your sheer genius. the end.

  2. Jen says:

    Aww! 🙂 I miss you, Connie.

Comments are closed.

"Hunting of the Snark"

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.

Categories

Archives

Goodreads

Hyperbole and a Half

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

The Snarkist

Advice you probably don't want

Vintage Ramblins

Thoughts on the Road

Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

Why just survive when you can thrive?

Christ! Xmas

all about Christmas and Santa.

Break Room Stories

Service Industry Stories and More Since 2012

i/nternpretation

a blog written by the intern at winston-salem's a/perture cinema.

Riskology

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

bottledworder

easy reading is damn hard writing

Rachel Poli

I read. I write. I create.

sethsnap

Photographs from my world.

A Commonplace Blog

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

NOTA BENE BOOKS BLOG

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

Red Wine Diva

It's a Wine Life: Musings and Tastings

Piedmont Craftsmen

Bringing you a slice of life, with a healthy serving of snark on the side

%d bloggers like this: