Orlando and I Reconcile Over Procrastination

Otherwise known as…

A Quasi Logic-Based Attempt to Regain Nominal Appreciation for Orlando, the Thesis That Would Neither Vanish Nor Transmogrify into Something Slightly More Fantastic Than a Million Dollars, Through Misguided Appropriation of Flawed Logic, Outmoded Analogies, Barely Applicable Similes, and Wholly Metaphysical Conceits.

But that wouldn’t fit in the title box.

So.

Attempt #1

Cookie recipes call for 12 minutes of baking time.
After 8 minutes, cookies are still soft in the middle.
I don’t like crunchy cookies.
I prefer cookies that are still soft in the middle.
Therefore, I prefer cookies that are two-thirds done.
I’ve written two-thirds of Orlando’s first draft.
Orlando is not completed.
Orlando is two-thirds completed.
A synonym for completed is “done.”
Orlando is two-thirds done.
THEREFORE, I prefer Orlando.

Attempt #2

When I play frisbee, I have a higher probability of catching frisbees that are out of reach.
Therefore, it is better for my team if the frisbee is out of reach.
When the frisbee is flying by quickly, it is more likely to be out of reach.
Therefore, it is better for my team if the frisbee is flying by quickly.
It is one month and five days before my defense.
The time until my defense is flying by quickly.
The time until my defense ∝ the probability of finishing my thesis.
Therefore, the probability of finishing my thesis is flying by quickly.
At my current rate of production, I cannot finish my thesis on time.
Therefore, finishing my thesis is out of reach.
“Finishing my thesis” = “catching the frisbee”
THEREFORE, conditions are optimal for me to finish my thesis.

Attempt #3

Chapters provide structure to a thesis.
Rhythm/meter provides structure to music.
Chapter:Thesis :: Meter:Music.
Chapters designate a thesis’s time signature.
Orlando has three chapters.
Therefore Orlando’s time signature is 3/4.
3/4 is the time signature of the waltz.
I love to waltz.
THEREFORE, I love Orlando.

Attempt #3.14

Orlando has nothing to do with math.
I have nothing to do with math.
THEREFORE, Orlando =

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

Happy Pi Day, y’all.

Published by Jen

The author of Snark on the Side is not your average run-of-the-millennial generation. Jen is a contradiction in terms: a graceful klutz, a smart blond, a math-savvy English degree-holder, a southern liberal, and an adult amateur equestrian who doesn’t match her saddle pads. Snark on the Side is a work in progress, born out of years of rambling email newsletters and anthropomorphized Christmas letters, small town observations, and the ever-present irony of pursuing a career with a degree in English literature. Thanks for visiting!

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